introspection: father
When I was in Melbourne, Pastor Tim taught me one way of journalling and examining my inner world. He calls it I am, I feel, I see. It has become a really useful tool for introspection, and I use it at times when I have alot to get off my chest.
I am a house of cards. One little blow and I crumble. I’m put together by twigs, and am reduced to rubble so easily. At the snap of a finger, self-doubt, nerves, fears, all of it comes crashing in. And do I have the strength to fight it? Often I feel not.
I feel scared. Scared that my fears will conquer me. Scared I’m not enough. Scared of rejection, of being unloved, unliked, alone. Scared that the world will chew me up, spit me out, laugh at my inadequacies. At a little child crumpled in a heap, in the corner, all by himself.
Today’s the opening night of Cock. What a weird passion to put onself through. To allow yourself to be judged, to allow your worst fears a chance to enter, to risk failure. All for a moment of victory, if it comes. All to simply say: “I can do it.”
I see a father who loves dearly, fiercely. A father who gives standing ovations everyday, who delights when his children come fully alive. A father who doesn’t dwell on our iniquities, but rejoices in the truth. That we are his. Loved, called, hugged, blessed. All his.
Such is this love, that in any venture we undertake, his presence is all that matters. That the end result feels important to us, but it’s nowhere near as important to him. Because he wants my heart. He wants my joy. He wants me to live loved, free, like a child. All he’s whispering everyday is:
You are loved.
You are loved.
You are Mine.
You are enough.
Oh father. I rejoice in this truth. Rejoice in your grace poured down infinitely. I dance in your arms.
Let me walk in your love daily. Even in the rain. Or when the strong winds blow. For I am Yours. That’s what matters.
Amen.
