the absence of god
“Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, because you are an obstinate people, and I might destroy you on the way.” When the people heard this sad word, they went into mourning.” - Exodus 33:3-4
When you read about God’s relationship with Israel, one can’t help but think of a marriage. Israel’s like that adulterous spouse: stubborn, so easily led astray, yet always coming back to their first love. God is steadfast, ever-present, committed - yet even in this passage, He seems to lose His patience with Israel. He’s angry, and almost wants to let go of Israel forever.
That’s frightening - because I am Israel. I am so obstinate, saying with my lips ‘I’ll follow my Father whole-heartedly’, yet allowing so many other loves and idols to come between us. Maybe because deep down, I always seem to know He’s there. That His grace will reel me in, as He’s done before.
But what if God isn’t there? What if God looks at this bloody fool of a child, and decides I’m not worth it? What if this gaping hole in my heart - this emptiness that I know can only be filled by the presence of my God - remains just that: empty?
I’ve been busy the last month, I admit. If it’s not following my passions, it’s work. If it’s not work, it’s my vices. Yet, there is a growing gnawing of my heart, an acknowledgment that for all my pursuits of life, the greatest place to place my affection remains at His feet.
I miss worshipping, adoring, gazing. I miss embracing, and being embraced. I miss just being.
I guess that’s why so many times for me, it’s the absence of God in my heart that reminds me of His presence. I don’t know if God intentionally does this - step out silently into the shadows, waiting patiently as my Spirit-starved soul begins to empty, slowly, ‘til I can’t ignore its cry for Him. In a way, this could be Grace at work - a grace that reminds me, no matter how busy I am, to always dialogue, and bow at His feet.
This isn’t a model spirituality by any means. But at this moment, it’s the only kind of spirituality I know - desperate, in tatters, just needing Him. I only lean on grace, because it’s all I have. Not my skills, not my strength, not my intellect, not my passion. Just my need for grace. And I hope it’s here that His strength would be made perfect in weakness.
Father, I miss time with you. I forget how to pray. I can only say, I want to want you. I want to wake up in the morning and yearn to worship. I want to want to sit at your feet, and just listen.
I’m a basket of contradictions. I desire, yet I’m apathetic. Full of the right intentions, yet wanting sin as well. Just pour grace, Father. In this time when I am torn in different directions, anchor me in faith, hope, love.
Amen.
