leadership in a civil war
“In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.” (Judges 21:25)
A civil war tore apart Israel. Brother fought brother, sister against sister. Such brutality, hated, vengeance. But the last verse ties everything together well: there was no king. No ruler. No one to govern the land, to bring order and leadership. Everyone did as they saw fit.
Such a true statement for our world today. A world that lacks a king, a people that refuses to be governed. It’s no wonder they fall in miry pits after miry pits, lacking leadership and slowly discovering their plans and ways are flawed.
I see it in my life too. Inside, I am a civil war. God’s leadership over me is faint, barely being tapped into. I see the result of my own hands leading me on. It’s so selfish, often depressed, always lost. It’s alluring to think I can live life according to my whims, fancies and rules. But I’m so easily blown away without God’s leadership. Without a king to rule my heart.
All I can ask, is for God to manifest His Resurrection power in this jar of clay, and lead. In times I’m crushed, broken, afflicted, I must remember it’s not a bad place to be. It’s a place I need to search for my King, and let Him set the rules. Let Him restore order. Let Him bring the civil war in my heart to a halt. Life, His way.
Father, I am lawless. I often go after many distractions, and lack leadership. Steer me O God. Steer me down a path of righteousness and freedom. Come and fill this jar of clay with your light.
Lead me Father. May your leadership be something I seek for everyday. Amen.
When we were little, life worked perfectly. No matter what happened, everything turned out alright in the end. Scraped knees, canceled play dates, dropped ice cream cones— we would cry for a short time, but by the end of the day, everything would be perfect. And now as we’ve grown older, we’ve lost the faith as we stumble through each day; crying over broken hearts, lost friendships, and lost dreams. It seems like life and perfection have turned their backs on us, but really it’s just that we’ve grown up. As children we didn’t pay attention to such details about our daily lives, but now we are more aware, and the little details seem to be amplifying our pain. But just remember that when we were younger, life was hard too, but we had faith in perfection because we could look past faults. So don’t lose your faith. Learn to know that each day will pass, each heartache will be mended, and everything will be perfect in the end.
(source)
“If I no longer believe in a personal God, looking down and judging me, why do I still feel guilt over my wrongdoings and shortcomings?”
Aqualung “Brighter Than Sunshine” (live)
I never understood before. I never knew what love was for. My heart was broke, my head was sore. What a feeling.
words, promises, life
For way too long, I’ve left this blog dormant. But to my surprise, some still visit. Which has given me a second wind. It’s just this transcribing thing - until Tumblr invents an easier (read: lazier) way to update posts, I can’t run away from it. Onwards, second half of 2009.
“You shall therefore impress these words of mine on your heart and on your soul; and you shall bind them as a sign on your head, and they shall be as frontals on your forehead.” (Deuteronomy 11:18)
Keeping God’s word in your heart was an imperative for Israel. It wasn’t just about the sheer volume of laws. It was about the idea of obedience - holding God’s words tightly, making them the foundation of daily life. God stresses it in these passages - keep my words, remember them, follow them, and you’ll be blessed. Don’t, and you’ll invite curses.
I realise my spirit no longer keeps the word of God stored and imprinted on my heart. Maybe that’s why I’m more prone to emotional distress, irrational thoughts, a weak mind that follows anything that satisfies the moment. I’ve often thought this was necessary to spur creativity, especially in my job. But it’s just an excuse for my heart’s weak standing when the enemy comes in like a flood.
As a result, I’m shaken in my confidence, lose sight of His Grace, never take hold of His promises.
I have to learn again how to keep His promises in my heart. To focus my eyes on the Greatest Leader of them all: Jesus, a man who proclaimed a new life, a new way of living that would break the status quo and un-shackle me from my iniquities. My leader calls me to heed His words - they are life. And God knows, I need life.
Oh Father, I’m so vexed. Vexed by self-doubt, by uncertainty, by whispers of inadequacy. I come torn by it all, and asking to hear your voice again. Asking to teach me about your eternal promises.
Your are my leader, Father. May I find rest in your leadership, and strength in your words. Teach me to impress your words on my heart and soul.
I am loved. I am the beloved. And I have a leader. Who holds life everlasting.
Amen.
the absence of god
“Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, because you are an obstinate people, and I might destroy you on the way.” When the people heard this sad word, they went into mourning.” - Exodus 33:3-4
When you read about God’s relationship with Israel, one can’t help but think of a marriage. Israel’s like that adulterous spouse: stubborn, so easily led astray, yet always coming back to their first love. God is steadfast, ever-present, committed - yet even in this passage, He seems to lose His patience with Israel. He’s angry, and almost wants to let go of Israel forever.
That’s frightening - because I am Israel. I am so obstinate, saying with my lips ‘I’ll follow my Father whole-heartedly’, yet allowing so many other loves and idols to come between us. Maybe because deep down, I always seem to know He’s there. That His grace will reel me in, as He’s done before.
But what if God isn’t there? What if God looks at this bloody fool of a child, and decides I’m not worth it? What if this gaping hole in my heart - this emptiness that I know can only be filled by the presence of my God - remains just that: empty?
I’ve been busy the last month, I admit. If it’s not following my passions, it’s work. If it’s not work, it’s my vices. Yet, there is a growing gnawing of my heart, an acknowledgment that for all my pursuits of life, the greatest place to place my affection remains at His feet.
I miss worshipping, adoring, gazing. I miss embracing, and being embraced. I miss just being.
I guess that’s why so many times for me, it’s the absence of God in my heart that reminds me of His presence. I don’t know if God intentionally does this - step out silently into the shadows, waiting patiently as my Spirit-starved soul begins to empty, slowly, ‘til I can’t ignore its cry for Him. In a way, this could be Grace at work - a grace that reminds me, no matter how busy I am, to always dialogue, and bow at His feet.
This isn’t a model spirituality by any means. But at this moment, it’s the only kind of spirituality I know - desperate, in tatters, just needing Him. I only lean on grace, because it’s all I have. Not my skills, not my strength, not my intellect, not my passion. Just my need for grace. And I hope it’s here that His strength would be made perfect in weakness.
Father, I miss time with you. I forget how to pray. I can only say, I want to want you. I want to wake up in the morning and yearn to worship. I want to want to sit at your feet, and just listen.
I’m a basket of contradictions. I desire, yet I’m apathetic. Full of the right intentions, yet wanting sin as well. Just pour grace, Father. In this time when I am torn in different directions, anchor me in faith, hope, love.
Amen.
I still miss devotions
So much for devotions today. *slaps forehead*
Thank God for the invention of grace. And second chances. And a tomorrow.
